I recently discovered a piece that I wrote when I was grieving and feeling very lost. This is an old post that I never actually posted anywhere even though I wrote it with the intention of doing so, I simply didn’t have the confidence.
I don’t think anything in this world can ever prepare you for grief. Grief has no end, length or predictability. It happens when it happens and there’s no way to get over a lost loved one. I almost believe grief is similar to a roller coaster, not that there are times that you’re joyed over the loss of course but that you can remember the person in a happy light and then there’s the dips where remembering hurts and you feel like you’ll never be whole again.
I think, in losing a person you lose a part of yourself. It leaves a gaping hole and it is oh so difficult to fill that massive gap. Change is painful on it’s own but changing your life to be lived without someone that was held so precious is excruciating. There’s nothing quite as raw and harsh as grief and only those who experience can understand. As I sit here and stare at my reflection, unhidden by a mask of makeup I realise just how troubled I am by this loss, red-eyed from tears shed and dark circled from sleepless nights. It’s as if I’m seeing myself during this change for the first time.
Grief is painful and grief needs time, it’ll forever be with me and in some respects I don’t want it to go for fear of forgetting my grandfather who had such a massive impact on my life. So I’ll carry on telling tales of memories I shared with him no matter how painful the reality, I will try my best to live my life for I know that’s what he would’ve wanted. And to you reading this, I hope that this has at least brought you comfort in the sense that you are not alone. You’re not at all abnormal for feeling the way you do though those around you may not understand. I can’t tell you the cliche that “things will get better” because I’m not quite sure myself that that is the case. I just know that our loved ones will forever remain with us and that’s a beautiful thing.