You annoy me when I’m having a good time and all of a sudden you spring yourself up and decide to remind me of the worries and what if’s in my life. You annoy me when you make me question every single thing I do and say, every time I tweet, every time I speak to someone, every time I write a blog post, every single damn time.
You annoy me when you get me so freaked out that I end up feeling like I can’t leave the house, and then you also tell me how THAT’S a bad idea, and what people at work are going to think of me or those people that I was meant to be going out with.
You annoy me when you make me feel abnormal, weird and like you’re going to control me for the rest of my life, leading me to actually dread my future and convince myself I won’t achieve what I want to achieve all because of you.
You annoy me when you try to tell me that somebody is going to hate me because I broke something of theirs by complete mistake. You annoy me when I need rest but you keep me on my toes telling me I need to be constantly doing something, ANYTHING.
You annoy me when I finally settle down into a nice warm, bubbly bath and you decide to list all the things that I need to do, and no they can’t wait you say, I need to get out of the bath and do them immediately or I may forget or those 10 minutes may even make it too late.
You annoy me because I don’t want to care about what others think of me yet you’re constantly in the back of my mind telling me that they think the worst of me, with detailed examples of course, and convince me I’m better off isolating myself and not putting myself in a position where I can get hurt.
You annoy me when you cause me to pace back and forth in a room when what I really need is to sit and calm myself down by breathing in and out slowly.
You annoy me because I don’t want to be constantly fighting you in order to live the life I want to live. But I WILL fight, I’ll continue to fight until you become insignificant to me and you’ll no longer cause me to tremble with fear.
You annoy me but you won’t control me forever.
So if you managed to read through the whole of this, the above is something I wrote when I was feeling anxious and simply wanted to do something to occupy my mind and basically writing is a coping mechanism for me.
Anxiety is something that I personally struggle with but we all suffer with different illnesses or problems, but remember, no matter how tough it gets, you CAN get through it. Your life will change, even if you continue it with your illness, you’ll find ways of coping better and know your triggers etc.
I am a bit reluctant to share this as it is something very personal to me obviously but I’ve decided to share it in the hope that it helps someone else or at least makes them realise that they aren’t alone in whatever it is they’re going through, because none of us are alone. We can all help each other.
Ciao for now x